This week I made a life changing decision, I decided to delete Grindr off my phone for good. I won’t lie and pretend it was easy. It was a tough decision to make. Grindr, for the last one and a half years had given me some of the very best sex I’ve ever had and also introduced me to some wonderful people I wouldn’t have had the chance to meet otherwise. It’s a great platform if you’re looking to meet, chat and make friends. One Varsity columnist recently claimed Grindr dehumanises sex – well, he’s wrong about that. I’ve had both meaningful and meaningless sex through Grindr, pretty much like anyone hooking up at a club or even after a few dates; the traditional way.
I deleted Grindr because it was proving itself bad for my mental welfare – perhaps a rarity, but I chose to prioritise my mental health on this one occasion. Grindr was bad for me because it played on my insecurities and, over the course of eighteen months, reduced my confidence to an absolute minimum. I felt particularly bad at not being good enough and getting abuse for it. It was probably made worse by being abuse from the men who wanted to sleep with me and the men who didn’t. Not to mention of course that one guy who went out on dates with me, fucked me five times in one night only to bin me afterwards. It was unfortunate that I’d gotten attached by then.
It felt shit and ever so slightly unfair and I didn’t want to be part of this aggression (warfare?) on my mental health. Minutes later Grindr was deleted and it was all over.
I feel better now, stronger. I feel more confident in my self, my friendship groups and networks. The other day I noticed how as I was having lunch in hall, people kept on coming over choosing to have their meals with me and then leaving only for more people to come along. It was a pretty long lunch! I’d never noticed this before and it felt good – it felt comforting. Now I felt a bit more confident again.
Perhaps my biggest concern was that I won’t be getting any without Grindr but I proved that wrong a couple of days later – I really had no reason to worry, I guess.
Of course there is an ever present danger of me redownloading the application and that is OK. So long as when I download it – I make sure it’s under my own terms; that I’m still happy and confident in my self.
Hesham Mashhour (Chief Editor & Director)